InLifestyle, Motherhood

Our Journey, Our Story

We are all travelling through the same journey of life, but each of us with our own unique story.

THE JOURNEY

Everyone is travelling through the same journey of life. But, we are all travelling on different roads and paths, that lead to where we are today, and take us to where we are meant to be tomorrow.

We all have our own story.

I choose you. I choose you over and over again. Just when I thought our marriage was tested at its most this past year, I learned that what we’ve been through in the past is nothing compared to what we’re going through right now.

Many of our friends and family ask, “ when are you planning on having kids?”  My response, as always, “one day soon, I hope.”

Yes, we hope! If you’ve been following my Facebook page and my Instagram stories {more so than anything}, you probably have an idea that we have been trying to start a family.

We’ve been trying for over a year now. And it has been the most difficult thing we’ve ever encountered in our relationship. This journey has tested our marriage on all levels. From love, passion, and fun, to resentment, more disagreements than ever before and even arguments!

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

Let’s start with where it all began {dudes you may wanna stop here, lol} I stopped taking birth control in August 2017. Things were fantastic for the first few months and the excitement of planning for our future as a family was starting to grow on us even more so than ever before.

I’ll never forget January 14, 2018, my husband’s birthday to be exact. We were just back from an amazing weekend away in Toronto, celebrating my husband’s birthday.

I woke up, on what was a Sunday morning, excited to take a pregnancy test because I was a week late starting my period. This would be the first test I’ve taken since we started trying. I peed on the stick and waited, for what felt like a thousand years, to see a negative. The first negative that made me sad. Because I always had a plan, that when we would start trying to have children, we’d get pregnant right away.

As I tried to wrap my head around that, I knew that we’ve only been trying for four months and that my body was going through some major changes since stopping my birth control.

When I mean changes… I am talking hormones, emotions, hair loss, hair growth, acne-like never before, crying a lot {even over missed grocery list items}, weight gain and I just felt total exhaustion. Going through this experience I know one thing that’s for sure, I’ll never take birth control pills again.

February came and so did another test, two actually because this month I didn’t even have a period. I “chalked” it up as stress, but still wanted to be sure… so with TWO negatives, I moved on. Or so I tried.

Seeing all those moms and dads out there rocking the socks outta parenthood and smiling with pride, joy, and love makes me SO HAPPY! But, some days I get so jealous because when you want it {to be a mom} so bad and have no control over when it will happen, it’s frustrating {but, I adore seeing all of you mommas and daddies rocking parenthood <3}!

I mean, I always knew I’d never have control over when we would actually become pregnant… but, like anyone, I always envisioned being a family… by now! I am blessed with two amazing God Children that I love and adore with all my heart. They bring me so MUCH joy and happiness. I could not be more proud or honoured to have that special connection with them.

The month of April came, my periods still weren’t regular. Some months I wouldn’t have any, and this continued on until May… after 14, 15, 16 pregnancy test and my mind so focused on when I was ovulating, keeping a journal, buying ovulating test kits and tracking everything through apps, etc. I just broke down. I lashed out at my husband for no reason. I wasn’t giving it my all as a wife. I didn’t care. I was running out of strength and I was just “blah”.

One thing of the many things I love about my husband, is that he is always reassuring, no matter what the situation is. Sometimes he will put up with my mood swings other times he’ll walk away from it and we won’t talk for days. Yes, this has happened. The struggle is real… despite what you might see on my social media.

Finally mid-May, we decided to both go visit a doctor together. At this point, we’ve been trying for about 9months. After speaking with the doctor and telling him the situation, we both left with some papers to get some tests done. All tests came back fine, so we’ve been told.

I again, got upset and asked… why? Why me? Why us? I mean, I had it all mapped out, 2018 we’d become a family of three.

Again, so frustrated, confused and left with “…it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.”, I just felt lost. As you’ve read, trying to start our family is something that is always on my mind. In everything I do, and wherever I go. This constant state of mind doesn’t help. It totally takes away from quality time spent with my husband, our real relationship and the focus on us.

I can speak for us both because I’ve learned things about my husband I never knew before, just as he’s learned things about me.

One thing that holds true throughout this entire journey is that we haven’t given up on each other. We’ve gone to bed angry at times {something I vowed to never let happen}. We’ve gone days without talking… but, we’ve managed to keep it all together and work past it all.

No marriage is perfect. No relationship is perfect. Things happen. You’ll always be faced with challenges {whatever they are} on the road that you are travelling. At the end of the day, it is all about how you handle them and how strong you make your love and commitment for one another be.

With each challenge, bump and curve in our relationship, including our struggle with fertility has made my love grow stronger for my husband. This pain and struggle that we are currently going through, changed our lives in so many ways. We are in this together. One day, we will become a family, I have faith in that. We will be so blessed with the most amazing experience of becoming parents, I believe that!

Because this is us, our journey and our story.

WE all have a story. Our stories are all different. Not one of us is the same. Not all of our struggles are the same. Whatever you are going through, YOU GOT this. Believe and have faith that it will all work out. You are not alone <3

My focus right is now, is on my career and my passion which is continuing to make some yummy recipes to share with you all!

** I want you to know that I am just simply sharing our story. Everyone has a story and everyone’s story is different. This post is to not make you feel any less pain than the pain that I am feeling, especially if you have lost. I cannot imagine the pain and sadness that you must feel. You deserve all the happiness in the world! I know of friends, even family members who’ve miscarried or lost, and how much pain that has brought them. I also want you to know that this post isn’t a pity post, please don’t take pity on me or us… I am just simply sharing that if you are struggling you are not alone and that this journey has challenged us in so many ways, but we are remaining positive, supportive and hopeful.**

with kindness,

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